A good friend of mine recently made a comment that led me to believe that there is a chance that I may have killed a perfectly good relationship by simply being too obliging.
“What rubbish!” I hear you cry – surely kindness and acceptance are key foundations of a good relationship? Well I agree in part, but the comment did start me thinking about how this might be possible. Before I elaborate further, I should point out that I’m not one of those people who hang off their lover like a love sick puppy and I’m most definitely not clingy. I am however; a person who is willing to make a reasonable effort at building a new relationship and will try to accommodate the needs and preferences of my lover – after all, that’s what we are all supposed to do isn’t it? What better way to demonstrate your affection than being all things to all men.
But what if one is too accommodating?
What if, by actually trying to fulfil many of the desires of a partner, I inadvertently worked too hard, and in the process, left my lover with nothing to work for? It actually makes sense when you think about it. What motivation does one’s partner have to contribute to the relationship if the other party is pulling out all the stops and doing the work for them? Gone is the motivation to actually do anything and in is the opportunity to find fault with what is placed in front of them.
On the flip side one could argue that by doing nothing or suddenly reducing the amount of effort we put in, we might risk losing the very relationship we want to attain, but what constitutes too much or too little effort? And how do we know when to stop doing all the work?
After contemplating my own behaviour in previous (and what I would consider unsuccessful) relationships, I started thinking about the types of accommodating behaviour that could be considered risky and quite honestly, I don’t think it’s the type of behaviour that was the real issue, it was actually an acute need to be liked by the other person. We all want to be liked and as such, we know deep down that if we act a certain way, people will like us. From an early age we learn how to be accepted and throughout our lives we try to perfect that skill. If someone we happen to fall for doesn’t operate at the same level, does our innate desire to be liked manifest itself in our being ‘too nice’?
If I could change the past I don’t think I’d change what I did for my past lovers but rather, concentrate on what they actually did for me. If one is putting too much effort into being liked then clearly the relationship is not fulfilling one’s basic needs and one should bail if the situation continues or risk being the one who does all the work for little or no return.
What do you think?
I came to this site on Bing and just wanted to take some time to say thank you for the good dating tips you have written about on this blog.
Our natural instinct is to want to help a loved one or a friend deal with a break up. It is very hard to just sit by and watch anyone suffer at a time like this. The key is knowing whether you are in over your head or not. If the depression continues to worsen for them they need professional help. The sad part about depression is that it takes away our ability to think rationally. People just don’t see any hope for their lives.
Thank you for the dating advice in this entry, I’m sure it will help my relationship.